Tips

Giving Advice

A very lovely woman from a local children’s organization called us last week, offering to do a food drive for Thanksgiving. We were of course thrilled. Our needs always increase during the holidays and even if they didn’t, it’s surely nice to give our homeless clients something extra.

Towards the end of our conversation the lady made a comment to the effect that one of the things we probably did was to give our clients advice or “point them in the right direction”. After our conversation was over I reflected on these comments. Giving advice and pointing someone in the right direction seems a loving, caring thing to do. What could be wrong with that?

The answer is, I don’t know what advice to give and wouldn’t presume to think that I do. The longer I serve in the motels, the more I become sure of one thing and one thing only—I am a stranger in this world and will never presume to think I have the answers.

Our homeless clients don’t come to us and say, “How did we get here”? “Where is the way out”? They already know. There are many reasons for a family to become homeless and of all of them our clients certainly know which one caused their homelessness. They’re not proud of it. Many times it isn’t even their fault, unless they can be blamed for a sagging economy, job loss or medical disasters. Society is filled with finger pointers and “experts”. Our clients know what they have to do to get out and it usually involves hard work and improved finances.

What they need from us is not practical advice, but practical help. We bring to them the things they need that they can’t procure on minimum wage salaries. After the motel rent is paid, there’s little left for anything else. Food, hygiene items, clothing, baby care items, household items, school supplies, these are the things our clients need. Making them available to our clients helps them stretch their resources.

One of our clients recently said it best—“You love us, you care for us, you help us. But you don’t tell us what to do”. One of our beloved board members, who was once a client echoed the same sentiment. We never gave them advice on what to do and yet in spite of it they managed to get out. All they needed from us was what we do anyway—we kept coming back, we cared about them, we provided resources for them until they had sufficient funds to sustain their apartment rent and we talked about anything they wanted to talk about, but we never, ever lectured them. When they were ready, we kept the promise we’d made to help them with the first month’s rent and it was done.

If you really want to help your homeless clients, do for them the one thing very few people do. Don’t lecture them. Listen to them. The road out of homelessness is paved with practical help, not useless advice.

Don’t Forget the Can Opener

If you’ve started a motel ministry or if you’re thinking about feeding the homeless you already have the seeds of compassion in you. You care and want to get involved. At first you’ll be using your own money and pantry (and with a little luck also those of your friends) to get what you need to take food to the homeless. Whatever it is, it will be enough for a start, because the most important thing is that you do start.

You’ll have cans of soup, spaghetti, fruit, vegetables, chili and other tasty items to distribute. Your homeless clients will pretty much be very glad and grateful you want to help them. They’ll receive the food with appreciation especially if they have children.

And then that day will come, probably sooner than later, when you’re urging someone to fill up their bag that they look at you with sad eyes and tell you thank you, but they can’t take anything because They Don’t Have a Can Opener!!!!!!

How could something so simple bring what you’re doing to a crashing halt? To avoid this situation, because believe us you will feel very, very bad, make sure you always have a few hand crank can openers in your car. You can get them at any grocery or retail store, they don’t take up much room and they are gold to someone who doesn’t have one.

Little Things Make a Huge Impact

The adage “People will forget what you gave them, but they will never forget how you made them feel” is never truer than when you work with children. Never make the mistake of thinking that they aren’t listening to you and that your words have no impact. I learned this in the most marvelous way last Saturday at our Library Program.

We have a library for the families at one of the motels we provide service to. It’s a beautiful little room that management retrofitted for us. It looks just like a mini library. One of our adult clients voiced it best, “It’s so pretty it hurts”.

A little girl and her father came into our library for the first time. The girl was around 6 years old. We explained how the library worked and that she could check out 2 books that needed to be returned in two weeks. She did and off they went. About 45 minutes later they came back because she had already finished one of the books and wanted to check out another one. We were delighted to help her.

She then came to me with two more books and asked if she could check them out for her baby sister. I told her that she was a wonderful big sister to care so much about her baby sister that she wanted to bring her some books too. I praised her for being so kind and thoughtful. I made sure we had intense one on one eye contact while I was speaking to her.

She was a very shy little girl, but her face just opened up, she stood up straighter and she beamed at my words. She didn’t say anything, but I knew she had taken in everything I had said. I realized, not for the first time, what a blessing and responsibility it is to work with children. We have such an opportunity to reinforce behavior that will see them into their adult years with magnificent benefits.

I know this because I remember the times an adult in my life praised me when I was a little girl. I remember how my little heart expanded at their words.

Words are free, but their impact can last a lifetime. If we work with children, we need to make sure that impact is positive. You may never see that child again, but you can know that on that day, at that time, you made a difference.

Respond to help requests–All of them.

Return your phone calls and respond to your emails. All of them. This probably sounds like a no brainer. Of course you’re going to, right? Well, maybe not. Resist the inclination to respond only to the situations you can handle, but ignore the ones you can’t. Don’t look at it as “wasting your time” since you can’t help the person on the other end of the line anyway because, a) they don’t live in your area, b) you don’t offer the kind of help they need, 3) they need to call someone else, etc., etc.

Never, ever forget that every request you receive is from someone who desperately needs help. Whether you can give assistance or not is not the point. The point is that they’re human beings in need. Take a minute to at least call them back so they won’t be waiting and hoping for your call. Tell them gently and with respect that you can’t help. Don’t linger too long on the reasons or get into arguments. Someone may not live in a motel and want to know why you can’t help. They may live in another county and expect you to help anyway. They may not even be homeless, but may be on the verge of losing their home. No matter what, be kind and compassionate. It goes a long way.

If possible, have a referral or two ready for the services the person does need. The “211” system (a database of services available in the county, usually manned by a real live human being and is reached simply by dialing 211) is active in many counties and states. Check to see if your area has it and use it as a referral if you do.

We received an email from a gentleman this morning who was in another county, but needed help. He acknowledged he wasn’t in Orange County, California, but could we give him a referral? He included a phone number with the email. We called him back and referred him to the 211 system. He thanked us profusely for the quick, personal call back. It gave him information he didn’t have and he felt a human connection during a time that is very frightening for him and his family.

Take the time to be kind. It costs you nothing. It’s priceless.

A LESSON IN GRATITUDE

In this age of entitlements, gratitude can seem to be vanishing. Watch any TV commercial and you’re told over and over what you “deserve”. Hear enough of that and you start believing it. With what I see on the freeways, hear in stores and observe anywhere there are two people or more, I think the general populace is well on its way to making “please” and “Thank you” obsolete phrases.

No one holds a door open anymore, because then they wouldn’t get to be the first one in. No one gives up their seat on a bus for a mother with children, let alone a senior or disabled citizen. Don’t bother trying to get out of a driveway if there’s a lot of traffic. No one is going to give you a break because they might have to slow down for 5 seconds.

This why I am constantly amazed and touched by the acts of gratitude I see with the clients we serve in motels. I’ve seen more graciousness in their little fingers than I’ve observed in people with much, much more to be grateful for. Our clients don’t just say “Thank you” because they don’t want to offend us and want us to keep coming back. They say it because they mean it!

Time to Cut the Cord

Time to cut the cord. Whenever you start serving at a motel, your intent is to stay there forever, serving the clients as they come and go in whatever way is best for them. You want to commit to them in a way that the rest of society is reluctant to commit to anyone or anything. You want to be the one constant your clients can depend on, in their very uncertain world.

For the most part, this really is what happens. You can start serving in a motel and before you know it, you look back and realize you’ve been serving there for fifteen years or more. You’ve seen thousands of people come and go, and you remember the majority of them fondly.

Unfortunately, every once in a while you may find yourself in a situation where you have to decide whether or not to keep serving a motel. Not because you care for the people any less, but because it has become downright dangerous for you to continue serving there.

Back to School–For Children Only?

Back to School–For Children Only—Really? In a motel ministry many of your services are geared toward children, none more so that in August—Back to School time. We spend the entire month of August making the rounds of the motels we serve, distributing backpacks to make sure the children get to start that all important first day of school with everything they need, looking and feeling “Just like everyone else”. It’s important to them and doubly so to us.

We hand out backpacks before school starts. Don’t wait until September. It will be too late to prevent an embarrassing first day for the children. A day that can shape their attitudes toward school for the entire year or even the rest of their lives if they’re shamed for not having a new backpack and all the things on the teacher’s wish list.

The children are your main focus for this activity, but sometimes they are not the only focus. Adults need backpacks too. If you have enough and if you can do it quietly, don’t cut the adults out. Many of the adults ride bicycles, the bus or even walk to work. They have to carry everything they need for the day with them. They can’t leave things in a car they don’t have and they certainly can’t make a quick trip home if they need something.

Project Dignity